Catflix

April 17, 2016

 

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This is my cat, KitKat J. Snorington, binge-watching his version of Nature NetFlix. Just outside, a whole world of squirrels, chattering birds, and two raccoons (such frequent visitors, we’ve named them Rocco and Enrique) mesmerize him for hours. Until it’s time for his catnap (which lasts for most of the day, just FYI). At that point, he lives up to his name, and starts snoring – a ton. 🙂


Mother’s Day Ode

May 8, 2015

Hydrangeas

Relatives tell me I look a lot like my late mother (she would never have liked the term late, for indeed, she was always on time for any appointment).

While we do share some characteristics (like the patented “snort and cackle” when laughing – the snackle, if you will) and a penchant for saying to unresponsive teen-age ears, “Enunciate!,” I’d have to say we were not really all that similar.

  •  She spoke five languages.
  •  I speech wun (Inglich).
  •  She played Bach like nobody’s business.
  •  I play the radio like a professional.
  •  She was genteel and cultured.
  •  I am kinda like, from Jersey (she was too, but seemed less so, if youse know what’m sayin.)
  •  She was always in my corner and cheered me on no matter what.
  •  I was oblivious to her encouragement until it wasn’t there anymore.

Thank you, Lord, for the mother you gifted me with.  I hope she’s snackling up there with you, playing a fugue on the piano and sitting in that log cabin she always pined for.  God bless all the mothers, always in our hearts.


Joizey Bans DWS: Driving While Smiling

September 21, 2012

When you come to New Jersey for a visit, don’t smile.  We frown on happiness here!  Nah, not really.  But a new law bans smiling too big for your driver’s license picture. Apparently, it interferes with facial recognition software that will eventually (!) be used to prevent fraudulent licenses.  The general consensus here is, in Jerzese:

□ All kindsa Big Brudda goin on heyah!

□ Since when were we smilin anyways, pal?

□ More random rules fromma buncha bureaucrats.

√ Alls of the above.  I’m just sayin.

 

 

 


Pet Peeves

August 1, 2012

I may contact AARP and ask them to retire these pointless, annoying phrases from the English language.

A man who needs no introduction…

ACK! Then stop speaking now.

The experience was so impactful…

Impactful? Sounds like a bad molar.

The thing is, is that…

No, no! One “is” at a time! No soup for you.

In my humble opinion…

One of my friend SueBE’s pet peeves! My thing is, who else’s opinion would it be?

Today, the temperature will be 85, but with the heat index, it will feel like 91.

Just tell me. Shorts or capris? Sneakers or flips?

One thing led to another….

Lazy storytelling (tip of the hat to Brian Regan for this one.)

It was an untimely death…

Please explain. When is death ever “timely?”

Don’t take this personally, but..

Hell to the no! Don’t even continue. But you did!

Don’t take it to heart…

Where else shall I take it then? To liver? To lower lumbago?

Not to toot my own horn, but….

DO! NOT! THEN!

Back in my day, life was simpler.

Beg to differ. Back in the old days, life was duller. We didn’t have the web.

PS Yes. I do have my cranky pants on today, and they’re V.V. comfy. 🙂


Must-Flee TV

June 29, 2012

In a setback to Work Wives everywhere, Ann Curry was replaced by a younger model this morning on the Today Show.  Curry was blamed for low ratings resulting from a “lack of chemistry” with Matt Lauer, a tightly-coiled man whose personality on the scale of entropy is absolute zero.

Arch-nemesis Tom Cruise split from his “wife” Katie Holmes in an effort to undercut any bump in ratings Matt Lauer might achieve with the announcement of this change. “You’re still glib, Matt,” said Cruise.  “And you know nothing about ratings.  It’s a pseudo-science.”

Curry will remain with NBC in a different capacity, secretly stock-piling incriminating information on those who engineered her ouster.  Her memoir, “I Got Your Peacock Right Here,” will become a best-seller and she will ultimately buy the station, cleaning house and canning Lauer in the process.

“No more Ms. NiceGuy,” Curry will say, riding off into the sunset.


Laugh Break

June 19, 2012

 


Mother’s Day Ode

May 13, 2012

Relatives tell me I look a lot like my late mother (she would never have liked the term late, for indeed, she was always on time for any appointment).

While we do share some characteristics (like the patented “snort and cackle” when laughing – the snackle, if you will) and a penchant for saying to unresponsive teen-age ears, “Enunciate!,” I’d have to say we were not really all that similar.

  •  She spoke five languages.
  •  I speech wun (Inglich).
  •  She played Bach like nobody’s business.
  •  I play the radio like a professional.
  •  She was genteel and cultured.
  •  I am kinda like, from Jersey (she was too, but seemed less so, if youse know what’m sayin.)
  •  She was always in my corner and cheered me on no matter what.
  •  I was oblivious to her encouragement until it wasn’t there anymore.

Thank you, Lord, for the mother you gifted me with.  I hope she’s snackling up there with you, playing a fugue on the piano and sitting in that log cabin she always pined for.  God bless all the mothers, always in our hearts.


Litmus Test: Are You from Jersey?

April 8, 2012

I’m not sure I would pass the litmus test of being from Jersey – the test being, we’re always in a hurry.  We speed to the red light, stop on a dime, then tear down the highway as if it was a NASCAR race.

When I realized that I was the only one in Jersey who actually observes the speed limit, it made me wonder.  I was born here… right?  I was pretty young at birth, so I don’t really remember first-hand, but I’ve been taking my mom’s word for it my whole life.

Am I really from Jersey?  Let’s think on this.

  • I don’t consider stop signs optional
  • I don’t consider tailgating the normal method of driving
  • I don’t consider seeing a Bon Jovi cover band in a dive bar a fun night out

Hmmm…. Now I’m wondering!

Oh wait, it’s okay.  I still default to big hair (even though it’s no longer the 80s), I think nail art is bee-yoo-tee-full, and I consider lamé to be anything but lame.

Yeppers.  I am indeed from Jersey!  Youse gotta prahlem widat?


New Jersey 101

March 31, 2012

• We call it Great Adventure, not Six Flags.
• We call it the shore, not the beach.
• We call it pork roll, not Taylor Ham or Canadian Bacon.
• We call it a sub, not a hoagie or a hero.
• We call it the Parkway, not the Garden State Parkway or GSP.
• We call it the Turnpike, not the New Jersey Turnpike or NJT.
• We call it the City, not New York City or the Big Apple.
• We all know a guy named Anthony Bologna and of course, call him Tony Baloney.
• We think a hard roll with butter is a complete breakfast (two food groups = ahead of the game).
• We all declare the region we’re from – instead of saying we’re from “New Jersey,” we say I’m from “North Jersey”, “Central Jersey” or “South Jersey.”
• We say stuff like “I got your _____ right here” and believe it is a logical sentence.


Friday Kvetch-Fest

March 10, 2012

Okay, you peeps, I’m resurrecting the Friday Kvetch-Fest.

My thing is, how can you say you’re speechless?

And, that expression, work like a dog? C’mon! Pooches are lazy as the day is long!

And is the day really that long? It’s standard-issue, really. 24 hours, no matter if you set the clock forward or back. Would anyone mind if I just keep my clock at the same time, and then take that extra hour later in the year when I need it? Who’s in charge of this time and space thing, anyway. I demand names!

All right, then. I have vented. Back to our regular programming!